Category Archives: humor

kids, don’t let your parents vote Republican

MoveOn has released a marvelous new Obama ad. As described on Huffington Post:

The spot, part of MoveOn’s Youth Vote program, attempts to harness the cultural reach of Gossip Girl, the much-beloved (and oft-spoofed) CW hit about over-privileged New York highschoolers. Featuring some of the show’s actors…, it is a satirical play on the drug prevention spots that occupy a memorable place in television lore. Only this time around, the message is a bit more political:

“Talk to your parents about John McCain,” says one narrator.For my sake? Please?

Vote for Barack Obama.

Before it’s too late.

a button for every Obama fan

Thanks to a link on Daily Kos, I just found the incredible selection of highly individualized buttons for DemocraticStuff.com - Merchandise from Anti-Bush to Yellow Dog to the 2008 Presidential ElectionObama supporters at DemocraticStuff.com. They have pages and pages of them. Yes, they have the expected: Teachers for Obama, Firefighters for Obama, Retirees for Obama, and many more, all with clever graphics.

And then there are the buttons that are … less expected. Here are some of my favorites.

This one is hard to read — it says “Optometrists”

lost in translation

https://i0.wp.com/ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41g6gTQYtEL._SL500_AA280_.jpgMy daughter drives an old Volvo that doesn’t have a port for an iPod cable. We originally got her an adapter that played her iPod via the cassette player. When it broke after a few months, we looked for an alternative. It arrived from Amazon yesterday: the Eforcity 3-in-1Charging and Car Holder FM Transmitter. She plugs it into the car’s cigarette lighter (yes, the car is old enough to have one of those), tunes the radio to an unused frequency, and plays her music through the radio.

If I were to write instructions for using this gadget, they’d go something like this:

  1. Set your iPod in the cradle, and adjust the arms on each side so they hold the iPod firmly.
  2. Plug the cable into the iPod.
  3. Plug the cigarette-lighter adapter into the car’s cigarette lighter.
  4. Turn on the car radio, and locate an unused frequency.
  5. Turn on the iPod, and you’re ready to rock.

Here are the actual instructions printed on the package insert. (Step 2 is my favorite.) Note that the punctuation is as written:

  1. Insert some cigarette ends of iPod car kit in some cigarette devices of automobile of yours, and adjust the suitable angle, so that your convenient operation iPod.
  2. Draw back both arms, put your iPod into and equal to the urgent both arms , let your protection firmly of iPod among them .
  3. Will charge the plug and connect it on the base interface of iPod, in this way you can charge while listening to the music .
  4. Choose the transmission frequency of this equipment according to the local frequency situation of radio station , the switch is presetting frequency to stir the frequency band , try one’s best to avoid the frequency of the local strong radio station , then open wave band , FM of auto radio , of you , is it search platform or manual to search set let auto radio of you receive frequency that you preset automatically to choose, in this way you can listen to iPod stereo music of high-fidelity taken the place of to you through iPod car kit device .

Parts of step 4 are almost haiku-like:

then open wave band
FM of auto radio
of you

My daughter thinks the manufacturer wrote the instructions in Chinese and then ran them through a translator. Just to see what would happen, I took my version of the instructions, translated them to simplified Chinese on FreeTranslation.com, and then translated them back to English on Babel Fish:

  1. Establishes you in cradle aspect iPod, on adjusts the arm nearby each, therefore they have iPod firmly.
  2. The plug enters to the iPod wire.
  3. The plug enters to automobile’s cigarette blasting machine’s cigarette blasting machine switch.
  4. Turns on the car radio, discovers frequency which has not used.
  5. Is decided in iPod, prepares the jogging with you.

I think that (thankfully) technology has a long way to go before the writer/editor’s job becomes obsolete.

on the merits of dialing carefully

https://i0.wp.com/www.geekologie.com/2007/08/29/rotary-cell-phone.jpg(phone rings)

Me: “Hello?”

Male voice: “Hi!”

(I don’t recognize the voice. trying to think who it could be.)

Me: “Hi…”

Male voice, with sultry enthusiasm: “I’m painting my toenails, just the way you like!”

(I am utterly speechless. a pause ensues.)

Me: “Umm…”

Male voice, now surprised and nervous: “Is this Christine?”

Me, trying not to laugh: “You have so got the wrong number!”

(click!)

I’m just speechless

Just now I was listening to a podcast of the April 27 edition of NPR’s Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me! One of the questions used to try to stump the panelists revealed the existence of the newest in macho, “d’ya think he’s compensating for something?” accessories for a guy’s truck or SUV. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they’re

https://i1.wp.com/www.trucknutz.com/graphics/rearview.jpghttps://i2.wp.com/www.trucknutz.com/graphics/nutzsmall.gifTruck Nutz!

From the site:

Are you sick of looking at side steps and bug shields? Want a REAL auto accessory? Want a site that offers Hot Chicks, Bad-Ass Rides, Free stuff, and the funniest accessory in the industry? Well you have come to the right place. Come on in and see what everyone is talking about.

Truck Nutz – The Ultimate Truck Accessory™

Available in 10 colors, including, umm, flesh. 🙂 While you’re there, don’t forget to order some Bikerballz for your motorcycle!

the Clinton gang is out to get me…

So I was at the grocery store a little while ago, and when I came out, my car refused to start. It won’t even try to turn over — just makes little clicking noises. And this is a 2007 Saturn Vue, still under warranty. My husband had to leave school to come get me. Later today I have to get it towed hell and gone out to the dealership on the other side of the world.

Just before I went to the store, I cast my vote for Obama in the Indiana primary. Now my car is dead.

Coincidence? Hmmm…

seeing red

https://i0.wp.com/darmano.typepad.com/logic_emotion/images/red.jpgI heard earlier on NPR that one of the guidelines given to organizations that are caring for children taken from the polygamous sect in Utah is that they should, as much as possible, remove the color red from the environment. In addition, caregivers shouldn’t wear red clothes. Why? Because sect members associate the color with evil or Satan, and therefore the children might be frightened to see it in their surroundings.

As I listened, I looked at the walls of my kitchen / office alcove / dining area, which are — you guessed it — red. My gosh, I thought, those poor kids would be scared to death if they came in here.

I mentioned this to my daughter just now, when she got home from school, saying that the children would probably think they’d encounter Satan personally in this house with all the red walls. Maybe so, she said, “But you could tell them he only comes to visit on Wednesdays.” 🙂

conversation with a 7th grader

“I’m not hungry.”

My 7th-grade son has said that the last several nights at dinner time. When asked why, he just shrugs. Tonight it had happened enough times that I was worried, so we pushed the issue. Why aren’t you hungry? Don’t you feel well? When you went over to Grandma’s to watch TV, did you have a snack?

“Well, yeah.”

Aha.

What did you have?

“Umm, a pack of Oreos and two Pop Tarts. I took those over with me.”

A pack of Oreos, as in an entire sleeve of Oreos out of the package? How many is that?

“I don’t know, maybe 12.”

A pause.

“And I had two chocolate bars.”

Another pause.

“Oh, yeah, and two glasses of milk.”

Gosh, I wonder why he isn’t hungry.

—————

Later, as we were eating, he cheerfully began to recount the tales told by his Geography substitute, who used to be a Marine. How if you’re stationed in the Far East, and you go out and get really wasted, and you wake up the next morning feeling awful, you can drink something alcoholic that has some opium stirred into it, and sleep for about 6 hours, and you’ll wake up feeling fine.

And how opium can get made into heroin, and heroin addicts use a needle to shoot it into their arms like this. [Demonstration of shooting-up motion into a vein]

Ummm, yeah… Those don’t exactly sound like appropriate things for him to tell you. Did he say that he did those things?

“No. But he looks like he’s stuck in the 70s and was probably a hippie. You know, he had his hair like this. [Motion outlining the shape of a long pompadour] They were cool stories!”

(My husband to me, afterward: “Do you want to call, or should I?”)

“Oh, yeah, and Mr. W [his health teacher] was telling us how if you have a hole in your throat, and you take a shower, the water can get into it and you can drown!”

And so forth.

Dinner conversation with an adolescent is never dull.

“awesome speech!”

For pity’s sake, will someone please teach our President how to speak, and when/how to say things that are appropriate? Pope Benedict XVI concluded his speech at the White House a little while ago, and when he finished, Bush shook his hand and said, “Thank you, Your Holiness, awesome speech!”

And by the way, Dude, I’m totally, like, into your whole white-robe look, you know?

Watch it here on the Huffington Post.

spring must-haves for your animal friends

Here are a few items that you’ll absolutely want to invest in — I’m placing my orders today.

From Archie McPhee: Squirrel Underpants!

https://i1.wp.com/mcphee.com/resources/april08/squirrelpants.jpg“Are you sick and tired of squirrels running naked in the trees around your house? Have you had to hide your children’s eyes when a tiny furry streaker crosses the sidewalk in front of you? We’ve got the answer, Squirrel Underpants. All you have to do is catch a squirrel, restrain him carefully, slide on a pair of tiny tighty-whiteys and then let him go. Each pair of 100% cotton briefs is “Proudly Made in America” and features a 2″ waist and a tail hole cut in the back. Help the squirrels hide their nuts for the winter!”

Also from Archie McPhee, a Dog to Unicorn Transformation Kit!

https://i1.wp.com/www.mcphee.com/resources/april08/unidog.jpg“This is not a costume. This is a kit to completely transform your beloved pug or beagle from a cute canine to the ultimate unicorn. It includes screw-in horn, hoof attachments, medical grade glue, peroxide, mane fur, a tail and a handful of glitter! Just peroxide the color out of your dogs hair and attach the fur and accessories with glue. Once you have the horn in place (Dremel not included) your beloved pooch will be ready to accompany you to fairyland. Please specify size of dog when ordering. Not legal in California, New Mexico and part of Maine.”

And of course, no household like mine, where cats run rampant, can be complete without several of these handy gadgets:

https://i2.wp.com/www.josepino.com/humor/catcarrier.jpg