Category Archives: humor

conversation with a 7th grader

“I’m not hungry.”

My 7th-grade son has said that the last several nights at dinner time. When asked why, he just shrugs. Tonight it had happened enough times that I was worried, so we pushed the issue. Why aren’t you hungry? Don’t you feel well? When you went over to Grandma’s to watch TV, did you have a snack?

“Well, yeah.”

Aha.

What did you have?

“Umm, a pack of Oreos and two Pop Tarts. I took those over with me.”

A pack of Oreos, as in an entire sleeve of Oreos out of the package? How many is that?

“I don’t know, maybe 12.”

A pause.

“And I had two chocolate bars.”

Another pause.

“Oh, yeah, and two glasses of milk.”

Gosh, I wonder why he isn’t hungry.

—————

Later, as we were eating, he cheerfully began to recount the tales told by his Geography substitute, who used to be a Marine. How if you’re stationed in the Far East, and you go out and get really wasted, and you wake up the next morning feeling awful, you can drink something alcoholic that has some opium stirred into it, and sleep for about 6 hours, and you’ll wake up feeling fine.

And how opium can get made into heroin, and heroin addicts use a needle to shoot it into their arms like this. [Demonstration of shooting-up motion into a vein]

Ummm, yeah… Those don’t exactly sound like appropriate things for him to tell you. Did he say that he did those things?

“No. But he looks like he’s stuck in the 70s and was probably a hippie. You know, he had his hair like this. [Motion outlining the shape of a long pompadour] They were cool stories!”

(My husband to me, afterward: “Do you want to call, or should I?”)

“Oh, yeah, and Mr. W [his health teacher] was telling us how if you have a hole in your throat, and you take a shower, the water can get into it and you can drown!”

And so forth.

Dinner conversation with an adolescent is never dull.

“awesome speech!”

For pity’s sake, will someone please teach our President how to speak, and when/how to say things that are appropriate? Pope Benedict XVI concluded his speech at the White House a little while ago, and when he finished, Bush shook his hand and said, “Thank you, Your Holiness, awesome speech!”

And by the way, Dude, I’m totally, like, into your whole white-robe look, you know?

Watch it here on the Huffington Post.

spring must-haves for your animal friends

Here are a few items that you’ll absolutely want to invest in — I’m placing my orders today.

From Archie McPhee: Squirrel Underpants!

https://i1.wp.com/mcphee.com/resources/april08/squirrelpants.jpg“Are you sick and tired of squirrels running naked in the trees around your house? Have you had to hide your children’s eyes when a tiny furry streaker crosses the sidewalk in front of you? We’ve got the answer, Squirrel Underpants. All you have to do is catch a squirrel, restrain him carefully, slide on a pair of tiny tighty-whiteys and then let him go. Each pair of 100% cotton briefs is “Proudly Made in America” and features a 2″ waist and a tail hole cut in the back. Help the squirrels hide their nuts for the winter!”

Also from Archie McPhee, a Dog to Unicorn Transformation Kit!

https://i1.wp.com/www.mcphee.com/resources/april08/unidog.jpg“This is not a costume. This is a kit to completely transform your beloved pug or beagle from a cute canine to the ultimate unicorn. It includes screw-in horn, hoof attachments, medical grade glue, peroxide, mane fur, a tail and a handful of glitter! Just peroxide the color out of your dogs hair and attach the fur and accessories with glue. Once you have the horn in place (Dremel not included) your beloved pooch will be ready to accompany you to fairyland. Please specify size of dog when ordering. Not legal in California, New Mexico and part of Maine.”

And of course, no household like mine, where cats run rampant, can be complete without several of these handy gadgets:

https://i2.wp.com/www.josepino.com/humor/catcarrier.jpg

Dave’s done it again

Go here. Now.

Even if you aren’t a Tolkien fan, and you haven’t read Return of the King or seen the movie, you’ll appreciate seeing the Battle of Pelennor Fields re-created out of gummy bears, licorice, peppermints, and more.

Everyone needs to see this candy masterpiece, crafted with skillful abandon and in mind-numbing detail by Dave and his friends and family in the living room of his ever-understanding parents.
You rock, Dave! 😀

icky beyond all belief

I heard about this on the BBC world news on NPR this morning, and sure enough, it appears to be the real thing. Sometimes there isn’t much to say besides “Ewwwwwww!”

https://i0.wp.com/www.solarnavigator.net/music/music_images/Paris_Hilton_hairband_earrings.jpgUsed condoms that have been reprocessed into rubber bands and hair ties have been sold in Dongguan, Guangdong Province, raising concerns about public health.

In addition to being sold at local bazaars, the recycled condoms have been found at local beauty salons in the prosperous Pearl River Delta city, according to Guangzhou-based New Express Daily.

“These cheap and colorful rubber bands and hair ties sell well in the city, threatening the health of local people and tourists,” the paper said.

Local doctors have warned that using these rubber bands could lead to the spread of AIDS, genital warts and other sexually transmitted diseases.

“There are a lot of bacteria and viruses on the rubber bands and hair ties made from used condoms,” a dermatologist at the Guangzhou Hospital of Armed Police, who asked to be identified by his surname Dong, said.

“People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns,” Dong was quoted as saying by the paper.

Chen Wenlan, a resident of Dongguan, said she was disgusted when she discovered that the rubber bands a local beauty salon had given her last week were made of recycled condoms.

Chen, a local white-collar worker, is a frequent customer of local beauty salons.

“Many of my friends have not yet heard the news. And it is really terrible,” Chen said.

A bag of 10 recycled hair ties costs only 25 fen at local markets, which is much less than the normal rate for such products, the paper said.

Many sellers have refused to reveal where they got their products and whether they had been made from recycled condoms, saying it was commercial secret.

But insiders said some of the rubber bands and hair ties could have been made from imported overseas rubbish. Local entertainment venues were also said to have contributed condoms.

The recycled goods have also been found in bazaars in Guangzhou’s Baiyun and Panyu districts, according to New Express Daily.

An official from the Guangzhou administration of industry and commerce said it was against the law to make or sell goods made from used condoms.

The administration will punish those who have broken the rules.

(China Daily November 13, 2007)

stumbled upon

Yesterday I discovered Stumbleupon. It could easily suck up far too much of my time, because it’s showing a truly eerie sense for the kinds of sites I’ll enjoy. Just now, for example, it gave me this.

https://i1.wp.com/www.hermitscave.org/forum/get_attachment.php/ef1a564912ed74ad43526e93acc61edb/haahaeu4.jpg

paper (n.)

https://i2.wp.com/www.salecatcher.com/wholesale-clothing/bali-beach-clothing-l/6pleats-mini-skirt-001.jpgMy daugher, a high-school junior, came home today with this wonderful definition from her History teacher:

A high-school paper should be like a girl’s skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to still be interesting.